Today is the last day for orientation for us. Well, it's been a relaxed 3 days of orientation for us, with ample lunch breaks and free time to gather in the non-airconditioned lounge to tell jokes, talk and eat (whatever we can lay our hands on - peanut cookies, my sandwiches, grapes, peaches, sweets, avacados =]) Tomorrow I'm going to a different centre :( Will miss the rest for the next 6 weeks.

Over the 3 days, I have learnt and seen the continuum of mental health services provided for patients with namely schizophrenia, bipolar, depression. There are many types of acute, inpatient services, rehabilitative and outpatient services, and OTs have such dynamic roles in all these settings. The mental health setting is really a place where OTs have to be self-motivated, constantly challenging himself/herself to find ways and means to help patients improve.

I was allowed to sit in for an MDT discuss - multi-disciplinary team discussion, where all kinds of health professionals in charge of a certain ward convene to discuss the conditions of the patients, actions taken, actions to be taken, further information gathered, etc. Interviews with patients and family/friends/helpers also take place in front of the team. (It can be quite intimidating for the patients, family/friends/helpers though, I feel) What was amazing is the ability of all the team members to organize their time, space and thoughts so well! They are able to do interviews, discussion, writing of case notes, thinking, remembering information about many different patients at once! There was practically no one sitting still in the room, always a bustle of activity with chairs moving all over the place, files being exchanged and used, stamps chopping away, etc. It was really mind-boggling to see everyone being able to cope with all the confusion inside! It is also quite humbling to see how well each person is able to organise his/her time well and to see the initiative taken by each therapist. I really have a lot to learn - how to cope with confusion as I have seen and how to organise my time well and with discipline.

This also brings me to the point about how much communication goes on between health practitioners. If there were any who wanted to find a sociable bunch, they will find it at the hospitals. LOLS. This really means that repore, relationship and trust building is very important for me to learn. I must learn how to work with others in a team, follow other's leadership and also learn to socialize (and not become isolated just like I am now.)

Other than the MDT, I attended a lantern-making group session with inpatient woman ward and also a moon-cake making group session with the child/teenage ward. I'm too tired now to talk about too many things realized. At the end of the day, we all just come to the sad realization that the mental health setting is a sad setting though it can be really interesting and occassionally funny. It is really sad to see the patients struggle against their own conditions and the stigma/barriers they face in society.

To whoever is reading this blog, anyone can have mental health problems, just that some need more help than others. Don't treat them as though they are animals or less than a human or person than we are because anyone can fall into the illness of the soul and mind at as easily as falling into an illness of the physical body.

Signing off with love,
Charmaine

Just another random thought. Saw one of my old schoolmate's recent photos.
Just wondering how all my friends have become so pretty and gorgeous? :/

It's quite a struggle to blog about my clinicals everyday. The journey that I take to and from my placement is simply awful..2 hours for each journey..and each time I am stuck in jams on a bus that goes at snail speed and keeps stopping and jerking (this makes me slide all over the seat). It doesn't really help to be stuck in a pair of ultra tight clinical pants and a pair of shoes that can hurt if it decides to that day. Lols.

So much for all these exasperated talk. I should be giving thanks for even being given an opportunity to experience such things! And that after tomorrow I will go to a different location and won't have to travel such a long distance.

Well, today's entry is about my fears for this placement - my insecurities so far. I'm quite concerned that I don't seem to be able to interact with patients very well..and don't seem to be able to communicate well with therapists..it's my perception of how I am so far..but I really wonder if I can do well at all.

Probably many people will tell me not to worry because it's new placement..but it's really difficult because others really seem so much better, mature and competant than me..hmmmm

These are some questions I have been asking myself today:
- Am I taking enough initiative in therapy sessions? Am I taking enough initiative in reading up/preparing for the therapy sessions?
- Am I able to use the knowledge I have gained over the semester just like the rest? If I'm not, then why not?
- Am I communicate well with therapists and patients? Am I asking relevant, intelligent questions? Or am I asking questions that are irrelevant and stupid?
- How do I know what questions to ask and what to look out for in a therapy session? (Sometimes I think differently from others..and others tend to be right..this really makes me worry)
- Am I able to think in a matured manner? If I'm not, then how do I learn to think maturedly?
- What should I read up on? How do I know what is important and what is not? (I tend to attempt to read up on everything because I think everything is relevant, but end up not finishing my readings - totally the obsessive compulsive personality disorder thing to do. lols)
- What are people's impressions of me? Do I come across as immatured or childish? Or my ideas too flighty? Do I come across as unlikeable right from the start?
- What am I good at then? And how can I use it appropriately?

hmmm..well these questions are important to ask but if they keep popping in my head, it isn't very productive. Oh dear. At least they are typed out now so I can lay them to rest now.

On the more positive note, we joined a singing session today. Singing definitely wasn't perfect but it was rewarding to see then smile and laugh spontaneously! It inspires me to pick up the piano again so that I can play accompaniments for a session as such.. and same for singing! haha..I think it is still possible to sing isn't it?

Today, I also found out what a flat affect in a person with Schizophrenia looks like..some how in the afternoon, the heat made me feel like I had a flat affect too! lols..I really need to build up endurance..hahaha..

Now it is almost time to sleep. A new day tomorrow, I hope that I will find hope. (:

Signing off with love,
Char

P.S. I forgot! There is some glimmer of hope (: One of my friends is treating me to cake before I go off to the other centre! haha! But I sure will miss them :(

P.S. 2 It is amazing to see how a small group of OTs have such varied roles even in a single setting! And it is also amazing to see how OTs bring hope to patients with Schizophrenia when previously, their futures had ended when they were diagnosed with this illness. It is sad though that there is still alot of social stigma attached to Schizophrenia.

CE2 is a really new exciting milestone for me (and I think for every other yr 2 OT student too!). New experiences and new expectations, I really do hope that CE2 will go well. This time, I have been posted to a mental health setting.

At first, I thought there wouldn't be anything to reflect on because it was a rather slow-paced day, I didn't really do much and had quite a bit of free time in between. What we do in MH is so different from the never-ending running around in the acute hospitals!

However, thinking deeper, I have gained one or two important insights based on what we saw today.

1. Today, we were given an opportunity to be oriented to the skills training programme. This is a programme to assess, train and engage patients in productive activity before they go to work. Involving contract work, patients carry out crafts like pottery, candle-making, jewelry-making; do woodworking (to make beautiful stools), paper-making, gardening etc. The products made are sold comercially so that whatever is earned can go back into obtaining materials for the continuation of the programme for patients. While many of us take craft-work as simple or rather pointless, when we analyze the activities, it is amazing to realize what really goes into doing that particular craft, what makes one craft suitable for a person but not another and even how the person's skills can improve because of the craft. It really reminds me to give thanks for the abilities that God has given me, however insignificant they seem, for they truly contribute quietly alot to what makes me able to function in this world.

Another thing that was really amazing is the workmanship of the patients. Despite their conditions, either through practice or because of natural abilities (or capable OTs and OTAs =]), their products were really beautiful - sellable, if looking at it commercially. Their clay work was intricate and lovely-coloured. It is a great mistake to stigmatise MH sufferers just because of their conditions because they are able just like anyone else, it is just that they need help to fight their condition.

2. This brings me to the 2nd insight, gained while reading the book, entitled 'Even when she forgot my name'. This book is written by Wong Chai Kee, a Singaporean, about his experiences with his mother who had Alzheimer's disease. From this book, I realized that no matter what mental health condition a person is suffering from, or how severe it is, the unique person he/she is, is still there. Very often, we view MH patients as 'mad', no longer normal, and occasionally we unknowingly strip them of their rightful title of a unique individual. However, this book allowed me to see that no matter how unnatural the person's actions seem (or 'demented', is this too degratory a word?) it is the person's spiritual self/soul struggling to battle against the condition of the body. It is because of their physical condition that their unique self/soul which desires to be normal needs help to be expressed physically. So even if there were to be a person seems as though he is like a wooden-board, the innate self/soul still has the need to be treated as a person, to be treated with dignity.

3. I nearly forgot to talk about my fears. So far I have not met my supervisor, and probably won't meet him till thursday. Plus I can only find out more about the service that I am attached to on thursday too. That kind of places me slightly behind the rest. I do hope that I can catch up and that I will be able to do well..especially since my coursemates seem are so much more capable than I am..

It's time to sleep. Good night, sweet dreams, it's a new day tomorrow.

Signing off,
Charms

P.S. Now it is almost time to sleep. Just have to wait for my uniform to finish washing and then iron it.

P.S. It is bad uniform day. My pants are really tight and the top button of my new blouse fell off at lunchtime. :(

No one by your side
to just be silent and cry with you
to say no word but feel what you feel
to not expect anything from you
to not pity you but to understand you
But there's no one.
Alone. Why?

Heart like frosted glass, no light shining through.
Only cold harsh winter, hail pounding down hard.
No warmth, no light, just shiver in the endless bleak cold.

It's not just about having one more number to report, it't not just about being able to share with one more person. It's not even just about getting one more person to say the sinner's prayer. It's about truly sharing the gospel with the person, in view of where he is now, about what his needs are, about investing your life into this person's life so that he may become a part of Christ's kingdom, that he may become a new disciple, ready to spread the gospel and invest his life into more people's lives in Christ.

There are some things that have been troubling me and they must be thought over and sorted out. Until then, I cannot sleep - Royal Rangers, NYAA and school.

I just had RR today again and was teaching bible study as usual - 1 Timothy 3:1-13. It is very interesting passage where Paul writes a letter to Timothy about qualifications a person should have in order to become an overseer or deacon. It is definitely not Paul's intention to give us reasons to start critisizing or condemning our leaders or leaders-wanna-be. Rather, he wanted to ensure that the leaders of the church were truly able to lead (both having moral authority to teach the people as well as the capability to teach) as well as impress on the community at large that the Church was a respectable, trustworthy institution with leaders whom the people could take as role models.

The thing that really struck me as I was preparing this bible study (as well as previous ones) was my inability to comprehend even a passage from the bible. My parents were right in saying that my comprehension skills are rather (or very) poor. When I read the passage, I just could not make out or vocalise the main message of the passage because I take things too literally. The above points given were explained to me by my parents and Jeremy. It really makes me feel so ashamed and sad because I have claimed to be a long time christian and yet my understanding of God's word is so shallow, amazed that just a simple passage from the bible has so much meaning (it is the same kind of amazement that you get when you realise how every single part of the body just seamlessly fits in with one another to produce a healthy body for us). As a 20 year old, I am totally inadequately prepared to understand the gospel, and to share it for that matter.

Actually, to prepare every bible study is a struggle for me. My understanding of the bible and about God is so narrow, shallow and limited that I almost want to quit bible study. And I always wonder why I am still such a baby in my faith and how much more I need to grow in order to be as mature in the Word as other christians. But that's because I have never truly had much chance to study the bible. My heart yearns to understand the bible in depth, to learn the deep truths of the bible so that I may keep it in my heart. Some times, it is so discouraging to prepare bible study that I want to give up. But it is for that great yearning in my heart that I want to persevere. God, please don't forget my yearning for Your word. Please satisfy this desire of my heart, dear Lord.

Another thing is that sometimes I really don't feel like a royal ranger at all. It is more like being simply a bible study teacher. Guess things are different now and definitely I'm not blaming any one. It is just that I know so little about Royal Rangers, have so little experience, have so little to give but yet I have to give more that I can truly give, it is really difficult. I really do hope for some guidance, for someone to help me move up from where I am stuck. Whenever I see Jeremy and Justin and the rest all talking about RR stuff, discussing, laughing about their camps, their activities and stuff, I feel almost jealous. I want a chance to go through that, to be part of that and understand what is going on (not that they exclude me intentionally). I wish Jeremy could go NTC with me and not because of me.

This brings me to the point that I really hope to be able to be part of the current junior commanders committee involved in NYAA. I want to have the chance to work with them, to spend time with them, to be a part of them. But my heart is so heavy because I know it is highly unlikely because home has to be where most of my time and energy is to be directed. Sometimes I feel so bitter, it seems like I have missed my youth, youth with my friends, a youth adventuring, exploring things around us, life and myself. It is so draining when everyday you have to give but you have nothing to take. (Please don't mistaken me for grudging against my family for it.) God, if You will, will You give me this chance to experience my youth, and to truly belong to Royal Rangers, with people who will be my heart, joy for a good part of my life? I truly love them Lord, the people here. I love all the children, I love the commanders. It is hard not to, when you have wonderfully inspiring people like Commander Chris, Commander Dan. wonderfully sturdy people like Commander Eve and Commander Peng Ann, wonderfully caring people like Commander Jaq and Commander Pam and wonderfully fun and good (I don't know what other word to use!) like the junior commanders. Please, Lord, this is another of my heart's desire.

For studies, it is very simple. I need to be more disciplined and self-motivated. These are the 2 qualitites that NYAA looks for and they are traits that a person of good character will have. I will use NYAA as a start to help me become disciplined and self-motivated. Simple!

Lord,
I commit these troubles of my heart to You.
Thank You for caring, for listening, for knowing.
I know I can trust in You and rest without cares now,
Because You are merciful God, and whatever You have planned out for me in life
Is not meant to harm me but to groom me, grow me.
Lord Jesus,
Please make me more like You.
Give me a chance to render the best service I can as a thanksgiving for Your wonderful grace upon my life.
Thank you Jesus,
Loves,
Char

NO PB! Look! The poor seal is calling for help now!!

Please don't eat it! Anyway, it looks abit like you!

PB! How can you eat seals! They are sooo cute! =(

Btw pb, how on earth did you know how to surf the internet and use cbox? =)