There are some things that have been troubling me and they must be thought over and sorted out. Until then, I cannot sleep - Royal Rangers, NYAA and school.

I just had RR today again and was teaching bible study as usual - 1 Timothy 3:1-13. It is very interesting passage where Paul writes a letter to Timothy about qualifications a person should have in order to become an overseer or deacon. It is definitely not Paul's intention to give us reasons to start critisizing or condemning our leaders or leaders-wanna-be. Rather, he wanted to ensure that the leaders of the church were truly able to lead (both having moral authority to teach the people as well as the capability to teach) as well as impress on the community at large that the Church was a respectable, trustworthy institution with leaders whom the people could take as role models.

The thing that really struck me as I was preparing this bible study (as well as previous ones) was my inability to comprehend even a passage from the bible. My parents were right in saying that my comprehension skills are rather (or very) poor. When I read the passage, I just could not make out or vocalise the main message of the passage because I take things too literally. The above points given were explained to me by my parents and Jeremy. It really makes me feel so ashamed and sad because I have claimed to be a long time christian and yet my understanding of God's word is so shallow, amazed that just a simple passage from the bible has so much meaning (it is the same kind of amazement that you get when you realise how every single part of the body just seamlessly fits in with one another to produce a healthy body for us). As a 20 year old, I am totally inadequately prepared to understand the gospel, and to share it for that matter.

Actually, to prepare every bible study is a struggle for me. My understanding of the bible and about God is so narrow, shallow and limited that I almost want to quit bible study. And I always wonder why I am still such a baby in my faith and how much more I need to grow in order to be as mature in the Word as other christians. But that's because I have never truly had much chance to study the bible. My heart yearns to understand the bible in depth, to learn the deep truths of the bible so that I may keep it in my heart. Some times, it is so discouraging to prepare bible study that I want to give up. But it is for that great yearning in my heart that I want to persevere. God, please don't forget my yearning for Your word. Please satisfy this desire of my heart, dear Lord.

Another thing is that sometimes I really don't feel like a royal ranger at all. It is more like being simply a bible study teacher. Guess things are different now and definitely I'm not blaming any one. It is just that I know so little about Royal Rangers, have so little experience, have so little to give but yet I have to give more that I can truly give, it is really difficult. I really do hope for some guidance, for someone to help me move up from where I am stuck. Whenever I see Jeremy and Justin and the rest all talking about RR stuff, discussing, laughing about their camps, their activities and stuff, I feel almost jealous. I want a chance to go through that, to be part of that and understand what is going on (not that they exclude me intentionally). I wish Jeremy could go NTC with me and not because of me.

This brings me to the point that I really hope to be able to be part of the current junior commanders committee involved in NYAA. I want to have the chance to work with them, to spend time with them, to be a part of them. But my heart is so heavy because I know it is highly unlikely because home has to be where most of my time and energy is to be directed. Sometimes I feel so bitter, it seems like I have missed my youth, youth with my friends, a youth adventuring, exploring things around us, life and myself. It is so draining when everyday you have to give but you have nothing to take. (Please don't mistaken me for grudging against my family for it.) God, if You will, will You give me this chance to experience my youth, and to truly belong to Royal Rangers, with people who will be my heart, joy for a good part of my life? I truly love them Lord, the people here. I love all the children, I love the commanders. It is hard not to, when you have wonderfully inspiring people like Commander Chris, Commander Dan. wonderfully sturdy people like Commander Eve and Commander Peng Ann, wonderfully caring people like Commander Jaq and Commander Pam and wonderfully fun and good (I don't know what other word to use!) like the junior commanders. Please, Lord, this is another of my heart's desire.

For studies, it is very simple. I need to be more disciplined and self-motivated. These are the 2 qualitites that NYAA looks for and they are traits that a person of good character will have. I will use NYAA as a start to help me become disciplined and self-motivated. Simple!

Lord,
I commit these troubles of my heart to You.
Thank You for caring, for listening, for knowing.
I know I can trust in You and rest without cares now,
Because You are merciful God, and whatever You have planned out for me in life
Is not meant to harm me but to groom me, grow me.
Lord Jesus,
Please make me more like You.
Give me a chance to render the best service I can as a thanksgiving for Your wonderful grace upon my life.
Thank you Jesus,
Loves,
Char

NO PB! Look! The poor seal is calling for help now!!

Please don't eat it! Anyway, it looks abit like you!