It's quite a struggle to blog about my clinicals everyday. The journey that I take to and from my placement is simply awful..2 hours for each journey..and each time I am stuck in jams on a bus that goes at snail speed and keeps stopping and jerking (this makes me slide all over the seat). It doesn't really help to be stuck in a pair of ultra tight clinical pants and a pair of shoes that can hurt if it decides to that day. Lols.

So much for all these exasperated talk. I should be giving thanks for even being given an opportunity to experience such things! And that after tomorrow I will go to a different location and won't have to travel such a long distance.

Well, today's entry is about my fears for this placement - my insecurities so far. I'm quite concerned that I don't seem to be able to interact with patients very well..and don't seem to be able to communicate well with therapists..it's my perception of how I am so far..but I really wonder if I can do well at all.

Probably many people will tell me not to worry because it's new placement..but it's really difficult because others really seem so much better, mature and competant than me..hmmmm

These are some questions I have been asking myself today:
- Am I taking enough initiative in therapy sessions? Am I taking enough initiative in reading up/preparing for the therapy sessions?
- Am I able to use the knowledge I have gained over the semester just like the rest? If I'm not, then why not?
- Am I communicate well with therapists and patients? Am I asking relevant, intelligent questions? Or am I asking questions that are irrelevant and stupid?
- How do I know what questions to ask and what to look out for in a therapy session? (Sometimes I think differently from others..and others tend to be right..this really makes me worry)
- Am I able to think in a matured manner? If I'm not, then how do I learn to think maturedly?
- What should I read up on? How do I know what is important and what is not? (I tend to attempt to read up on everything because I think everything is relevant, but end up not finishing my readings - totally the obsessive compulsive personality disorder thing to do. lols)
- What are people's impressions of me? Do I come across as immatured or childish? Or my ideas too flighty? Do I come across as unlikeable right from the start?
- What am I good at then? And how can I use it appropriately?

hmmm..well these questions are important to ask but if they keep popping in my head, it isn't very productive. Oh dear. At least they are typed out now so I can lay them to rest now.

On the more positive note, we joined a singing session today. Singing definitely wasn't perfect but it was rewarding to see then smile and laugh spontaneously! It inspires me to pick up the piano again so that I can play accompaniments for a session as such.. and same for singing! haha..I think it is still possible to sing isn't it?

Today, I also found out what a flat affect in a person with Schizophrenia looks like..some how in the afternoon, the heat made me feel like I had a flat affect too! lols..I really need to build up endurance..hahaha..

Now it is almost time to sleep. A new day tomorrow, I hope that I will find hope. (:

Signing off with love,
Char

P.S. I forgot! There is some glimmer of hope (: One of my friends is treating me to cake before I go off to the other centre! haha! But I sure will miss them :(

P.S. 2 It is amazing to see how a small group of OTs have such varied roles even in a single setting! And it is also amazing to see how OTs bring hope to patients with Schizophrenia when previously, their futures had ended when they were diagnosed with this illness. It is sad though that there is still alot of social stigma attached to Schizophrenia.